This page is for spinning yarns

With minor revisions 7-25-25

Prologue

When I was a boy, around the time I was in the second grade, one of my best friends and I would often play on his family’s property in the Alexander Valley countryside. There were streams, oaks, meadows and nature to explore everywhere. One day we came across a robin's nest in a Valley Oak. We were both very excited to see if there was an egg in the nest. We climbed the tree and found a small speckled egg inside. My best friend inspected it closely and handed to me. It was warm and felt distinctly alive in my hand. The egg began to shake. A small beak moved inside having a go at breaking the shell. I yelped in fear, dropped the egg and crushed a nearly hatched robin on the ground below.  

Nothing is so strong as gentleness, nothing so gentle as real strength.

St. Francis De Sales

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About thirteen years ago, I was employed at a family owned/operated restaurant in West Sonoma County, California. That employment became a starting point for my experience in small business management in food service. The Chef/Owner entrusted me to fill the role of Manager on Duty with closing responsibilities in book-keeping and ordering whenever he was away.  

The Chef/Owner had a son who was given employment in a Dishwasher position at the restaurant. The Dishwasher would sometimes become agitated for some reason or another, fail his arms and yell outburst of obscenities during dinner service from our open kitchen. He was a slight young man, with piecing eyes and a long-unkept beard. He spent many work hours listening to Terrance McKenna, or reading Dostoevsky, in between cigarette and beer breaks behind the building. One day as I was entering the back of the restaurant to start my shift, I saw the Dishwasher crouched reaching into grasses across the path to the back door. I asked what he was doing as I approached. He slurred, “Look… I think he wants to be friends, he’s so soft and really sensitive”. I came closer and saw he was petting a large and listless Norwegian rat in the grasses. Apparently, the two were being nice to one another. I told the Dishwasher the animal he was petting was a rat (and likely a sick one, so he should go wash his hands), then excused myself and promptly went into work.

There are many people in Northern California that like acting nice. They are disposed towards asking others how they are feeling, taking appropriate pauses and assuming a posture of active listening while hearing responses. When it is the nice person’s turn to speak, they try do so with a period of time somewhat equal to the time they spent listening. They are ready to empathize, act as therapist/friend and signal with non-verbal communication they care. Nice people are ready to fix problems and help, and often will do so regardless of whether their efforts are truly helpful or not.

I was quite surprised to learn later in my cooking/catering career that one could dispense with niceness, when appropriate, and be the better for it. What’s more, a catering Chef could be successful in his professional and personal life in doing so.  

A few years into my career in catering, I sometimes worked with a catering Chef who became a good friend of mine. He had an appearance reminiscent of Mister Clean. He was physically fit, bombastic and charismatic with women. It was an unlikely friendship, because he often had too much fun and acted like an asshole. I was quite nice, quiet, considerate of others, and anxious by comparison. That was my go-to approach while in school and within my social circles as a young adult. To make sacrifices for others at my own expense, and to be like a sponge in taking up whatever people around me wanted to impress. This catering Chef didn’t really seem to care too much about other people’s impressions of him. He was quite involved with other matters to focus on, namely, running his business and personal life in ways that were working mostly to his satisfaction.

I remember working a wedding rehearsal dinner with the catering Chef. It was at a newly improved and remodeled luxury villa property near my hometown. The client and his family were clearly wealthy. I seem to remember one of my neighbor’s on the street where I grew up in Alexander Valley saying their family home was purchased for around $150k in the late 1980’s or early 1990’s. Demographics and local culture in those areas changed completely since then. Many small business producers of local foods, products and services who were active members of the local culture and community cashed out and left. The “community” seems to have been redefined in recent years to refer to something regarding intersectionality, the bureaucratic state and private/public partnerships. Whenever I return to visit, most people I meet seem a least a little passive aggressive (or outright hostile) towards others outside groups of the same demographic, or of friends and family.

Returning to my story, the catering Chef had major issues negotiating with that particular client. The issues incurred additional costs in labor, time and ease of operations. Apparently, the client was not inclined to pay any amount above the initial quote for services. The situation seriously upset my Chef friend. Being upset and apparently feeling wronged, the catering Chef requested the microphone during some long-winded and unplanned speeches. He made an announcement the buffet was ready and for everyone to please queue up in the kitchen. The guests, somewhat confused about the interjection, began to make way to buffet line. The client reached the front of the line and began to have a few pointed words regarding the Chef’s disruption. That escalated into an argument. Eventually, the client was told somewhat loudly, “Sir, you’re holding up the line. What would you like? One scallop? Two? How about three!?” The Chef smashed the third scallops on the client’s plate, knocking it to the ground.  

I was taken aback and very confused. I found the Chef some time later that night loading our truck. I asked why he had been confrontational with the client, suggesting it would cost him business. The Chef responded, “I don’t care.” “Good, I never want to work with those people again”.  The catering Chef had plenty of new and recurrent contracts at the time, and actually didn’t need more work.  Why would he bother with nicety for people that were being condescending and cheap? He was acting as a free agent, refusing to do business with and withholding politeness for a client that was being offensive and causing problems. At the time I assumed people were just supposed to try to be nice all the time. If not not in actuality, then at least to pretend, in order to not be upsetting and lose favor. 

Being upsetting  can be useful and needed from time to time. For example, when one’s interests and well-being are threatened.  

Successful business managers need be very upsetting and not at all nice at times. They may be required to fire a coworker who is a genuinely good and friendly personally, but not appropriate for a position with the company. Successful business managers require a great amount of inner strength, resolve, positive outlook and steadiness. That is, so as to not let delicate growing things slip out of hand and come crashing to the ground. They are likely to be very well grounded and secure in their personal lives, many having a loving spouse at home. They are often financially secure and stable. Material needs are not a major a concern. For many successful business people, home is a place of solace and finding meaning, making their toil and tribulations in the world worthwhile. In additional to all that, for a traditional home, a wife and child may serve as moral compass for a man giving up blood, sweat and tears in their work wondering “to what ends?” 

BSG

With Minor Revisions 7-16-25

I am oriented towards pacifism. I do my best to act like one of my neighbor’s cows. Please see the story toward the bottom of this page to understand my meaning. Many people assume pacifists are not willing to fight. I don’t believe that is necessarily so. Cows quarrel and fight plenty, but they tend not to be violent in their nature. They are inclined to be pacified. Cows stand ground and are not easily moved by petty things. If cows did not fight, they would not have pasture for themselves or mates to be had. To fight and quarrel is to live and love. It is to coexist in the physical world, and take to material needs with all of one’s mass and gravity.

Simply stopping one’s own violent actions does not help the world become a more peaceful place. Many animals live to force submission and domination. Violence is part of the natural world. All animals commit acts of violence and domination. Even cows sometimes eat little animals, and carelessly stamp living creatures into the ground. Civilized human beings are separate from animals only because we aspire for peace and harmony with all sentient beings to escape the suffering described above. Many people do not act civilized, however. They create an ethical necessity for use of force, subterfuge and coercion. Those are forms of leverage that do not require violence. Negotiation and a mutually agreeable accord are always preferable, but are not always viable options. Anyone who has learned to raise children and/or defend their homeland in an artful way seems to have a keen sense of this.

I’ll draw my distinction between pacifism and passivism here. Pacifism is a belief that wars and conflicts should be settled by peaceful means. Passivism is passive resistance to end conflicts, and often includes tactics of using concessions, submission and/or sabotage to live and fight another day.  

The moral positions of pacifism and passivism were lauded where I attended school and grew up. The most prevalent cultural influences in my hometown were social liberalism, psychiatry, passive resistance, moral relativism, the theory of positive government, and the 1970’s self-esteem movement. All of those influences combined to create many people who understand the central role institutions as to reduce harm, and harm to be defined as what any one person wishes. Further, that all conflicts and wars should be ended with concession, submission and/or sabotage. Also, that individual well-being is based in large part on affirming one’s ego without regard to right or wrong. In consequence, tantrums and use of sophistry were rewarded behavior for children, who were often drugged and placed in front of entertainment screens to be less annoying to those responsible for their development. That is an example of applied life practices of a passivist.

To be an ethically sound pacifist, not a passivist, requires good skills of discernment and reasoning. In my early twenties, I was being solicited by military recruiter with a very compelling offer. I was confused because I kept telling him, “I’m a pacifist, I can’t serve”. To which he would reply, “We could really use your help, you wouldn’t see combat”. I was curious about what he was offering, so spoke with him for about a half hour one day. At time I couldn’t understand why military recruiters would have such lucrative and enticing offers for those not deployed to combat. That job likely involved flying drones remotely, considering my intensive computer use during my adolescence. I seem to remember reading some years later of some drone strikes accidentally targeting many non-combatants (A school full of children and women in one report, probably Wikileaks), helping to radicalize the Middle East and sustain more wars.   

I believe people who have raised children and/or have defended their homeland well have experience in settling disputes that should be accepted as best practices for other to follow. Individual assessments of harm and a stake in the settlement of any dispute should not fall to individuals who do not act in a civilized manner. For example, children or those without a moral center. They will often use sophistry or violence to make those around them submit. I see this in the constant engagement with conflict and the giving away of ground, with many friends and relatives in the California Bay Area.  

For our all of sake, and for that of those under our care into the future, we need to be more effective in making and maintaining peace. We also need to be more discerning of real threats at home and abroad, and carefully consider the far reaching consequences of any intervention or conflict. We need to be more discerning and effective as pacifists.

BSG

For  Mr. Quartz -

I seem to remember hearing an English translation of parable from Asia of an old jade trader crossing paths with an aspiring young man. The jade trader stops to tell the young man of something he would do well to learn of. It is of a very special and rare polished jade. The jade is so beautiful it will bring the man who holds it all his heart’s desires. It’s radiance confers complete enlightenment. It is of immeasurable value, and he who has it will have the world at his feet.

The young man is captivated by the trader’s story, and asks where he might find a piece for himself. The trader moves in closely and whispers to the young man he has some he may be willing to trade. However, considering its great power, the jade would demand a high price. The young man says he would be willing to pay any price for all his heart’s desires, for enlightenment and to have the world at his feet. The trader makes an offer – The young man may have a piece of the special and rare jade, but only after he has worked for the trader for a duration proportional to the value of the gem. The young man agrees and begins working for the trader. Each day the trader tells the young man he is one step closer to attaining the jade and all he desires.

Many years pass by. The aspiring young man, having grown old with many years of work for the trader, completes his bargain and attains a piece of the jade. The old man finds he has no use for fulfilling his heart's desires, having lost them with his youth. His spirit and mind have become too far worn with striving and work to attain enlightenment. The old man decides to take to the road and find someone willing to trade the jade with.

BSG

Not to be continued.

7-16-25

Revised 6-23-2025

As a younger man, I seem to have enjoyed making trouble and getting myself into ruts. On one of my first excursions to explore the Tahoe National Forest, I went blazing down Jackson Meadow Road one night around 2 Am. It was early Spring 2022. The road was still covered with 2-3 feet of snow and closed to provide a trail for snowmobile traffic. Without a pause, I quickly drove around the road closure barricade and decided to see how far I could make it on bald summer tires. I was adamant. I had gone out in town earlier that evening in Truckee, and my night had ended in frustration with time and money wasted on self-involved and uninteresting company. I wanted peace and solitude to settle myself in a quiet space to camp by a forest stream.

I drove about five miles until all four wheels sunk and were spinning over ice in a muddy patch of snow. I set up my bed in the back space of my truck, heated the cabin to about freezing temperature and went to sleep. When I got up in the morning, I went about preparing breakfast and getting myself out of the rut. I used a self-defense knife to chip away the ice and small sauce pot from my camp kitchen set to dig out the wheel. I did not have a shovel with me at the time. A National Forest ranger approached me cautiously and discretely while I was doing so. I was obstructing traffic of people enjoying their recreation on the trail. I had been talking to myself loudly and excitedly while going about getting unstuck.

The ranger surprised me when he was about ten feet away. He seemed to be trying his best to determine if I was in my right mind. I said to him without a thought, “Oh! I’m sorry! ...I’m an actor, I was just in character.” The ranger asked what I was doing there. I responded, “Ah... Sorry, Sir.  I was looking for a place to camp and be alone. It’s my Grandfather - he served in the Navy ...he’s not well. It’s weighing upon me.” The ranger’s disposition toward me seemed to change in an instant. He said he would leave me be to finish what getting my truck unstuck, but I would need to be gone by the end of day. He said, or else, I’d have the Sheriff to talk to. After a couple hours of chipping away the ice, scooping out muddy snow with my sauce pot, and packing gravel and tree branches beneath my wheels, I was free. I turned around and went on my way.

There is story in my family of my Grandfather talking to himself late one night in his reading chair. He was sitting next to a bottle of Vodka, for which he had a bad habit he ended by his middle age. My grandmother was disturbed from sleep by the sound of his voice and went downstairs to ask, “Ron, who are you talking to?” He replied, “Myself, it’s the only way I can have an intelligent conversation around here. In all the years I’ve heard that story recanted by my family members at holiday meals with plenty of wine, it always carried a tone of vitriol. They would laugh at my grandfather’s cutting wit. Before his passing in February this year, I was surprised to hear him once comment on the story, in a calm and earnest voice, “Well, yeah. I couldn’t in that house.”    

Many people like to find empty spaces to fill with expressions of their own making. They like their creations, artwork and the sound of their own talking. But that is not enough, they also like other people to like their expressions as well. Some will go about expressing themselves without due consideration or sensitivity in ways that impose on or drown out the expression of others. Many people compete and fall into conflict with one another in that way, by aggressively taking up space and attention. On the maternal side of my family, it has been especially true for siblings. I believe the cultural context during the time of their early adulthood and middle age is the reason for this intense competition to consume attention.   

The booming consumer culture of the 1960’s in the United States elevated the satisfaction of  individual wants and desires to new zeniths. Psychology became a more common influence for the ordinary person during that time, especially in California. People became interested in becoming integrated, actualized and living a spiritual life. Local public broadcast of Alan Watts, book sales of Aldous Huxley, and transcendental meditation groups with Theosophical society all displaced what existed in the past as the gradual inter-generational flow and development of  culture beginning at home. That traditional flow of culture necessitated respect and appreciation for one’s own parents and ancestors, as well as figures of authority in greater society. The widespread availability of concentrated and/or synthetic drugs for recreational and medical use accentuated the ego-focused social environment by making available to ordinary and undisciplined people intense feelings of euphoria and meaning at the drop of dose or pill. When people are high or tripped out, they want to tell you all the wonderful things they’ve come to understand and are feeling. All the wonderful things they may want you to understand and feel along with them for their own validation.

I am more inclined to remain quiet, have my own thoughts and hear my own breath. Also, to have greater respect for the past, tradition and autonomy. I have a charcoal pencil sketch on a Post-It note I made about six years ago while on the Sonoma Coast after a day of running, practicing yoga and meditation. I drew it to remind myself to temper this urge to share fantastic thoughts and profound realizations with others. To remind myself to not talk too much about ideas and feelings that are not made better by being put into words for others. The sketch is of a seagull with the caption, “Nothing special, keep it to yourself!”

In the time getting to know my Grandfather before his passing, and in the time following clearing my grandparents house and providing care for his widowed spouse, I have found I have become a better man. I speak more truthfully, carry myself with greater humility and am more kind towards others. I am more at peace with myself. I believe that is because I am now better poised to listen and am more careful to express only what needs to be said.

Brian Scott Gilbaugh

6-19-2025